The Downsides of Thiccness
Before you get big, you should know a few things. Life was not designed for big people and there are many complications you encounter when you’re large that smaller people just don’t have to deal with. Let the list begin…
1. You’re going to get sweaty…. Very, very sweaty. Muscle is alive and it generates a lot of heat. Get ready to have sweat stains 5 minutes after putting your shirt on, walk around campus with back sweat, and drip sweat after 5 minutes of continuous activity outside in the summer (or 11 months of the year if you live in SEC country – disregard Kentucky). My father calls me a sweat hog so you might get a flattering nickname too if you’re lucky…
2. You’re going to need a back scrubber in the shower. You cannot reach your back with your newly discovered limited range of motion so expect to take a loofa on a stick with you everywhere. Remember, you sweat too so if you don’t always have a back scrubber, you’ll probably have a back breakout.
3. You forget your own strength therefore you’ll need a back up back scrubber just in case. Occasionally, you’ll simply push too hard and break your back scrubber in half. It won’t feel like you’re pressing hard at all, but it happens to large people.
4. The life of 2 ass cheeks on chairs is coming to an end. You’re big with a delta donk. You’ll never fit a full 2 cheeks on chairs and you’ll be lucky to get 1.5, often times you have a full cheek hanging off the chair or you’ll do a middle straddle where each side cheek is dangling off like a damn hoop earring.
5. Tasks that were once easy are now more fatiguing. If you walk up stairs, you might not be winded but you’ll be breathing heavier afterwards. You have more mass and moving mass simply takes more energy. This is what allows us big people to eat so much food and stay leaner but general life tasks take significantly more energy. I remember teaching at UGA and our building had a few sets of stairs. I’d walk up a set of stairs then chat with students and yes, I was breathing heavier. Those turds (I love them and they love me so it’s cool) would make fun of me. Hardy har har how about you get an 80 pound weighted vest and walk up some stairs and see how you feel. I did get my revenge when I designed a lab where students had to walk up and down 3 flights of stairs breathing through a straw. I said it was to assimilate with what COPD felt like but in reality, it was r-e-v-e-n-g-e.
6. You can wear 2 chains, this is optional. However, what isn’t optional is carrying around 2 bags. One has your laptop, books, travel supplies, etc. and the other has your food and water bottles. Big people need big portions and this makes it necessary to have a large bag to hold large containers filled with a lot of food. Additionally, you’re pretty much always hungry so waiting longer than 3 hours to eat is typically going to be a big fat no.
7. If your back itches, you’re just going to have to live with it or do some twerk thing against a wall or something because you can’t reach it. A back scratcher might be needed as well.
8. You forget how wide you are sometimes and you literally just walk into shit. Your shoulders may get some bumps and bruises over the years because you think you can fit and boom, the door or small pathway reminds you, you cannot fit. The absolute worst is when you have to pee diagonal because you don’t want to touch the walls in the bathroom stalls which are covered in lord knows what.
9. Your grocery bill is going to be thicker than banana pudding but remember, you never regret investing in your passion or health so feed that muscle!
10. You’re going to get attention from all the girls. Laugh out loud. I’m kidding. You’re going to be a dick magnet… dudes will want to come up to you and chat about muscles, ask what you bench, and want to be your friend. You’ll be large and scary and probably a lady repellant.
11. If you don’t smile at people, they think you might eat them. If you have an RBF, get less awkward and learn to greet people with a smile. Be a big friendly teddy bear or you’ll be an outcast.
12. Do you play football? How much do you bench? What do you do for calves? How much do you weigh? How much protein do you eat per day? What should I do to grow my _____? Just have the answers ready to these questions because you’ll get asked them a lot. Honestly, I just tell people I don’t lift and I’m on the chess team. Sometimes they get really confused and it’s kind of funny.
13. Cuddling – it’s fine but remember you will get hot. Your body heat + their body heat… just crank the air conditioning and have a fan or 2 on. Prepare for the heat. Avoid her falling asleep then you get really hot and have to move her in order for you to fall asleep.
14. You will be human labor. If it is time to move something, your large ass just volunteered yourself by default. Don’t worry, someone will remind it’s okay and you don’t have to go to the gym because you got your workout in by moving stuff. Shake my head.
15. Your athleticism and proprioception decline. I used to be able to dunk at 6’1, 220 lbs and now I have no clue if I could even hit rim at 260 lbs. Additionally, my once wicked jump shot is now brick city. If you don’t regularly practice using your muscles in a specific way, then suddenly try to use them in that specific way after adding 20-30 lbs, it’s going to be shit show.
16. You’re going to be judged. If you become somewhat of a human rhino, people sort of think you’re dumb. I do enjoy breaking the meathead stereotype and spitting facts, science, and using dem 5 dolla words in a sentence every now and then to leave people a little shook.
17. You will now sink in water. Muscle does not float. I remember how relaxing it was to swim, back float, and spend countless hours in the water. Now, I get a workout treading water or I straight sink. If you’re going to have a pool day, bring extra snacks because you might get a workout by trying to avoid drowning.
18. You’ll probably need a tailor. If your quads are large but your waist isn’t that big, you’ll need a tailor to look good in dress pants. If your ass is dense, you might need a tailor to avoid ripping dress pants when you sit down. If your upper body is wide but tapers down to a smaller waist, you’ll need a tailor otherwise your shirt will look like an upside down parachute. Don’t have your clothes sagging like lunch meat. The best part about being large and fit is embodying the alpha you’ve worked hard to create and you do this by dressing sharp, having intellect, and being proud of your uniqueness. No middle of the mall shit.
19. Bars are more stress inducing than relaxing. Not only are you sweaty but you have micro sized little turdlets bumping into you left and right. Going out for a relaxing drink (yes, I did this frequently in college) is now a water fountain of sweat coupled with Chad and Brad getting on your nerves. Expect to become a home body but it goes with the lifestyle. Movies, snacks, and comfort > bars, getting breathed on, bumped into, and sweating.
20. Do you know how much fridge and freezer room you’ll need? More. You can never have enough fridge and freezer room and you will become proficient in real life Tetris as you’ll have to stack meats into the fridge and freezer after a good Costco run. I live alone but need 2 fridges. You literally might have a mini fridge just for cartons of liquid egg whites.
21. Your perception of other people changes. That girl or guy who you thought was “eww too big” but then you become big, is now like “ayyyyooooo they gotta wagon in the back and I’m about that life.” Similarly, the guy who was small but thinks he’s big and now you’re bigger and he’s still small, is now 150,000 times more annoying than before.
This list will more than likely continue to expand. The biggest takeaways are…
- Get ready to be sweaty.
- Smile otherwise you might scare people by accident.
- Get ready for your biceps to bring all the boys to the yard and shoo away girls.
